my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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