just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Randomize
