So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
