Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
