sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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