Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i came on her dog
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
