he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
