sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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