My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
