Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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