am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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