Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
