I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
