Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
