i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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