Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
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