Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
