All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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