I cannot find my penis.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
