I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
