I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
