It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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