a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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