Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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