tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
