Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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