My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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