worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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