I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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