Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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