Betty ford says i'm here all night
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
