I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
