i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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