Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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