dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
