All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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