I will die if light touches me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
