i permit you to call me
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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