Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
