Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
