The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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