It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
you didnt know i had herpes?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
