So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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