I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
