Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
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I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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