I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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