i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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