His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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