My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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