Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
