U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
