When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
