i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
