I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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