My sheets look like a crime scene.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
